5.12.2014
Yesterday was Mother’s Day.
My twelfth year of being a mother. They haven’t all been great
days. A few years there were tears
involved and I vaguely recall going for a drive alone to get it together. But yesterday I felt like I was "good enough" so it was a "good enough" sort of day, in fact it was a delightful Mother's Day. I had some time to myself in the middle of the
day to reflect and found myself pondering about how I got here and what
motherhood has done to me.
To begin, I believe that I am child of God. I didn’t evolve from an ape. But today I’m
thinking that I believe in evolution after all. Not the ape-kind of evolution,
but the mom-kind of evolution. I am sure
that there are other types of “evolutions,” ones that don’t require the raising
of a child. But my evolution is
personal. I am not the same person I was
before I became a mother. I am not even
the same person I was 5 years ago when I had Aly, the last of my four beautiful
children. But what has changed?
Motherhood is something I definitely wanted it is the “Mothering”
part, the act of being all that a mom is, that is something that didn’t feel
like it came easily. I am sure it was
the expectation I had that I would be a “natural” – after all I had a DEGREE in
Child Development and Family Science. My
“toolbox” was loaded and I was going to EXCEL at this motherhood thing, just as
I had sought to EXCEL in all the other areas of my life. I just wasn’t prepared for what motherhood
was going to mean to me. It was so much
more important to me than anything else and so I wanted more than anything to
be “good” at it. I remember vividly
sitting in the glider in Scottsdale, holding my day old baby boy and feeling
flooded with the words, “with all this love, comes the capacity for so much
pain.” It was a spiritual
experience. The kind of spiritual moment
that people describe as “washing over them” – it was like that. I knew that I loved this tiny boy more than
anything or anyone I had loved before. I
loved him so much that the thought of not being “enough” for him was
overwhelming. The thought of anything
happening to him brought me to my spiritual “knees” and left me with a feeling
of total reliance on my God to carry that “potential for pain” for me because otherwise
it would cripple me with the fear of the many ways that I would mess this up or
not be able to protect him from all the scary things of the world. Ben came in and looked at me and I could
hardly find the words to explain to him what I was feeling. I just remember saying through my tears, “there’s
so much potential for pain now” and “things will never be the same” and “it’s
not just about me anymore.”
In that moment, it seemed nearly inevitable that my life
that had just been so blessed with this handsome boy of seven pounds and 11
ounces, born as a gift on his Daddy’s birthday, this joy in my life that I had
anticipated each day with the adorable flip chart detailing his daily
developmental milestones. Yes, this miracle from God, would actually also be
the source of my inevitable pain. And so
that was my baptism by fire into motherhood.
I then undertook the monumental task of devoting my life to
this new little person and his life. It
didn’t take long for me to see my weaknesses and in the almost exactly 13 years
since his birth I have seen more weaknesses than I even knew I could possess. But I have also seen parts of me I didn’t
know were there. Maybe they weren’t
there at all. Maybe motherhood brought
with it the gifts that only it can give.
Love. Patience. Long-suffering. Complete devotion. An unending ability to
forgive and to ask for forgiveness and an appreciation for my earthly parents
love for me that I am beginning to understand.
Along the way, we excitedly welcomed three amazingly
beautiful daughters into our family, and into my heart. How is there ‘room to love more children,’ people
often wonder and I don’t know that I have an adequate explanation. I just have
my testimony to add to millions no billions of parents that have gone before
me, … there just is!
I remember trying to keep the “me” that I was before I was
mother. I tried working part-time, from
home, really- really part time, mentoring law students, being on the alumni
board for the Law School, … everything I could think of to not “lose myself”
but the more I tried, the more I resented the fact that motherhood wanted all
of me. I remember crying as I sat in my
PJs reading a Facebook post by a sweet lifelong friend. She wrote about riding to her legal job in
San Francisco on her new Vespa. She was
single. She had spent New Year’s in
Paris. We came from the same place, had
the same degrees to our name but she had a paycheck that demonstrated her value,
she had FREEDOM and the frequent flyer miles to show it! I knew in my head that
I didn’t want to trade lives but my heart wasn’t so convinced.
I saw mothering as a “season” and even though I was grateful
to have the “season” of motherhood often it seemed like this “season” was never
going to end. I spent many days, months
and years planning in my mind what I would do when I got “my life back.” I remember these feelings vividly but as I
write those words, they don’t resonate with me anymore. “Get MY LIFE back!” ??? How did I ever feel that way?! THESE CHILDREN, …THIS FAMILY, …this IS my
life. I don’t want my “life” back. Not the life I had when I only had me to
think of, that cared more about which suit to wear to my law firm or what
restaurant Ben and I would go to after we got off work. I don’t want that life, even though it was
fun at the time. No longer do I yearn
for the life I thought I was supposed to have – the one where I effortlessly
balance my oh-so-fulfilling career (you know, the one where use my law degree
to make a difference in the world—yeah, go ahead and laugh…) with my
responsibilities as a cheerful wife and angelic mother. Yes, that was the vision I had bought into. I wanted to do this motherhood thing “right”
but I wasn’t able to shed the cultural indoctrination of my childhood and
educational upbringing. I had been sold
a bill of goods that I now believe is as impossible and it would be
unsatisfying. At least for me. To each
his (or her) own, though. If someone
else has got that figured out, more power to ‘em.
As I reflect on this motherhood thing this Mother’s Day, I marvel
at how I have been transformed! I don’t know when it happened but my heart was
changed. I am a Mother and it is enough!
Actually, it is everything to me and I don’t want anything more than for their
dad and me to be with them forever. I
love that they love me so deeply. I love
that I no longer even want the old vision that I had for my future.
There is ironic twist in all this introspection though. It is a scary realization to now acknowledge
how much I love this stage of mothering because it is isn’t going last
forever. Sure, I will always be their
mother, but this “season” of young children is going so fast. There will be no more babies, no more
diapers, no more rocking little ones to sleep, no more crawlers, first steps,
sippy cups, or need for the family bassinet.
My older kids don’t take baths much any more and are beginning to want
to spend time with friends more than with me. Fortunately, they all still beg
for me to come lay with them at night.
If only I could stop time so that I could lay with each one of them
every night so I could hear their stories and sweet prayers. There just never seems to be enough of me to
go around.
I tried so hard to “enjoy the journey” along the way like my
mom often reminded me. I’d stop and take
a mental picture, if not a real picture of the moments of pure joy. I’ve made it a priority to be there for my
children. I have been at every recital,
performance, most games and class parties.
I have been room mom each year to most of my kids’ classes. I have brought treats, birthday posters, powerpoint
presentations for reports and devotionals and even a puppy to their classes’
show-and-tell. I am there when they call
with a stomachache. I am there when they
forgot their lunch. I’ve got them ice
creams after preschool, arrange play dates after elementary school and now let
Dylan invite friends to come “hang out” – which is much cooler than coming over
to “play.” I have been on more field
trips than I can count and have thrown some rocking birthday parties, if I don’t
say so myself. My kids know that they
are loved and boy, do they know I make mistakes! They are learning from my example,
how to ask for forgiveness and try again. At the end of the day I just hope
they know that nothing is more important to me than they are.
I have given them everything I have and yet, most days, it
still seems to me that I haven’t given them enough. I am a work in progress. Hopefully that level
of self-acceptance will come with time.
For now, I am just grateful that I have been given this gift of
perspective before it’s too late.
I can now say with certainty that I love being a
mother. Motherhood has changed me and
now I know that I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else than mothering my
favorite four people.
This realization is the best Mother’s Day gift I have ever
received.
